I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
