I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
