My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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