Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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