I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
