just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
