member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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