In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
