Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
