So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
