I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
