Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
