Just fell off a train. Bad.
pop tarts are not kleenex
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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