omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
