my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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