My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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