Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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