can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
