he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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