i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
