this just has baby written all over it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
