sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
