apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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