After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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