You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
