He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He shit in the fireplace
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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