all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
