i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
