I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
