Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
