bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
