We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
