i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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