just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
