dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
where are my eyebrows?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
