I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
