I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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