can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
