I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
