I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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