Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
