Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
