I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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