You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
