I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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