Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
