Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
