OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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