3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize