the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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