I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
