I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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