i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
