The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
