I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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