so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize