i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
