I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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