There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
