dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
