I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
